{"id":8540,"date":"2026-08-18T13:20:55","date_gmt":"2026-08-18T10:20:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jolantasindeikiene.lt\/?p=8540"},"modified":"2026-08-18T13:20:56","modified_gmt":"2026-08-18T10:20:56","slug":"santykiu-problemu-saknys-ar-jos-gali-slypeti-vaikysteje","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jolantasindeikiene.lt\/en\/santykiu-problemu-saknys-ar-jos-gali-slypeti-vaikysteje\/","title":{"rendered":"The roots of relationship problems: could they lie in childhood?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Sometimes as a couple we argue not only about what happened today, but also about what we learned in childhood about love, closeness, and safety. These experiences can affect our reactions, but they are not a life sentence.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why does history keep repeating itself?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Ana was 55 years old, appeared confident and successful, but the same scenario kept repeating in her relationships. She was drawn to emotionally unavailable men. The start of a relationship was always promising, but after a few months, disappointment, anger, and feelings of loneliness would set in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She asked herself: why did I choose the same kind of person again?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ana's question is familiar to many people. Why do we constantly end up in relationships where we feel unheard, rejected, or not good enough?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The answer began to be sought not only in current relationships, but also in Ana's earlier life experience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What did she learn about love in childhood?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

In childhood, Ana watched her father humiliate and mistreat her mother. This was hardly ever spoken about in the family. Her father took care of the family's material needs, but the home lacked emotional safety.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Later, Ana's first serious partner also began to criticise, control, and humiliate her. Although such behaviour was painful, it was at the same time familiar. Ana had already learned that closeness could exist alongside fear, tension, and a constant effort to please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A child cannot simply leave the family, so they adapt. One learns to hide their feelings, another to constantly monitor their surroundings, a third to please, fight, or withdraw. At the time, these reactions help protect them. Later, however, they can be carried over into adult relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When old rules start operating in a relationship<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

For one person, a partner's silence signifies a simple desire to rest. For another, it triggers the fear that love has ended. One takes lateness in their stride, while another experiences it as abandonment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In this way, self-protection rules learned in childhood can manifest as jealousy, mistrust, a constant need for validation, or a fear of rejection. Sometimes the reaction is the opposite \u2013 a person hides vulnerability, avoids closeness, or withdraws when a relationship becomes more serious.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In Ana's case, an emotionally unavailable partner was not an entirely new experience. It matched a relationship model familiar to her. A familiar environment is not necessarily good, but it can feel predictable \u2013 which we sometimes mistake for safety.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What does the research say about this?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Ana's story is moving, but one story is not enough to draw conclusions from. Therefore, it is important to look at what broader research shows.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A systematic review covering 28 independent participant samples identified links between childhood maltreatment and lower relationship satisfaction in adult couples. However, these associations were small.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is an important detail. Childhood experiences may have an impact, but they do not determine one's entire life. Relationships are also influenced by current stress, the behaviour of both partners, health, communication skills, and life circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Therefore, childhood should not become the sole explanation for every conflict or a reason to blame parents. Rather, it helps us understand where certain reactions of ours might have originated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

From automatic reaction to choice<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Once she understood her relationship pattern, Ana was able to look differently at the question \u2018why does this keep happening to me?\u2019 Instead of self-blame, an opportunity arose to notice what was familiar to her and why.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking such a pause can begin with a few questions: what hurt me so deeply in this situation? Am I reacting only to what my partner did, or to a past experience as well? What am I afraid of right now? What do I really need?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Recognising the pattern brings greater choice. One can learn to express needs more clearly, set boundaries, stay present in disagreement, and stop confusing the current person with painful past relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When past experience is still very much alive<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes simply understanding a relationship pattern is not enough, as it is maintained by strong traumatic memories, emotions, and bodily reactions. In such cases, one possible way of processing memories is EMDR \u2013 Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Its goal is not to change the past or prove that it was unimportant. The aim is to reduce its emotional charge so that old experiences no longer govern every present disagreement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ana\u2019s childhood story did not change. However, what did change was her understanding of why familiar yet painful relationships seemed normal for so long. We cannot rewrite the past, but we can stop unconsciously repeating it.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Kartais poroje gin\u010dijam\u0117s ne tik d\u0117l…<\/p>","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":8527,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8540","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized-lt"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jolantasindeikiene.lt\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8540","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jolantasindeikiene.lt\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jolantasindeikiene.lt\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jolantasindeikiene.lt\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jolantasindeikiene.lt\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8540"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jolantasindeikiene.lt\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8540\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jolantasindeikiene.lt\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/8527"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jolantasindeikiene.lt\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8540"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jolantasindeikiene.lt\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8540"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jolantasindeikiene.lt\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8540"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}